Many are my faults and sins. I have let my life be chained by fear, retrained by comforts. I have avoided God, the Creator of the Universe, the Savior of the world, the Savior of my very soul. How dare I? How could I? I've spent the past three days pouring my mind, times, and energy into reading The Face of God by Bill Myers... a piece of Christian fiction that will... yeah, mess you up. I'd read it before when I was younger... but it carries so much more meaning now. This book has brought fear and questioning into my life these past few days. I have wrestled with the characteristics of God... there are so many. His justice, His mercy, His love, His will. Even more so, I have wrestled with who I am in light of God. This is not a new issue... this is something that has been buried deep with in my soul forever. Who am I? What am I made for?
Regardless, as I have been reading this book... I've been putting off reading the Word, praying (which... I hardly ever pray anymore... it's pathetic... but I will address this issue in a moment), connecting with God. Can you imagine though... God still finds a way to connect with me. This doesn't surprise me in the sense that I don't believe He can do it... God can do anything! It surprises me more in this sense: Why? Why me? I am so undeserving. Yes, we all are... but I feel as if I am, especially. I am beginning to wonder, do I use this "undeserving" bit as an excuse, as self pity?... or do I legitimately feel this way? I predict the former.
The point of this rant: God has shown me my sin. I have always identified this as a fault in my life, and yes as a sin. But now it is confirmed through His word in Hebrews 6:
Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And God permitting, we will do so.
It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.
Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
I have been regrettably, disgustingly, pathetically, sinfully lazy. In KJV, it is described as being "slothful". How terrible. But how true.
Forgive me of this, Father. Forgive me for burying my talents. Forgive me for not being a faithful steward. Forgive me for not seeking you, but instead for seeking other things... worthless things. Everything is considered to have no worth if you are not number one. I own up to these things and so much more. Please God, as Daniel in the book was shown his faults in the form of the stones and his experiences and interactions with other people, please do the same with me. I hesitate to say this, but I will, because of my love and devotion and hunger for you: do whatever you deem necessary to do what you want in me. I don't really know what you want from me at this point, so I can't say, but Lord just have your way with me. Whatever that means. And may you receive the glory for everything, always.
Amen.
Interestingly
, and with much relief, this passage does not only point out my sin, but it also provides me with the following affirmations and promises:
We are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation.
God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.
Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.
God, help me to not be lazy or slothful, but rather to have vigor in living this life out in the fullest to give you glory and to live in your will. Give me a desire for your word and for prayer... and allow me to have the discipline to do things things even when the desire is not present. Please help me, Jesus... I can't do this alone. I can't. But you can...
Amen.
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