In This World, Not of It.

All to be felt should be felt from the heart.
The Origin.
A Supposition.
The gut... groaning.
The union of rawness with the dry earth beneath my knees.
Where the pink of heaven meets the green of land.
No fog.
No time for fog.
No room for fog.
Tender nerves tingle with expectation,
Or cut,
Leading to the slow arrival of resignation.
Either way, it's felt.

All to be felt should be felt from the heart.
But I can't.
Or I won't.
Doesn't matter which.
Either way, the fog seeps through my inviting pores.
The fog turns into oil.
Feed the machine.
Polish the machine.
The gears in the left hemisphere are making peace with those on the right.

I can't be pregnant of the mind.
My pituitary cannot act as placenta.
My medulla cannot act as an umbilical cord.
That type of housing is not fit for the child.

It's all that makes sense.
For now, I will continue to birth nothingness.

For those of you who don't know, this Monday I just got back from my missions trip to Northern Ireland. It still feels so weird saying that. Myself and a group of twenty-six others had spent an entire semester preparing for this trip, and suddenly it's become a memory. Well, that's how life goes, I guess. For those of you who know me really well, you know that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go on this trip. I had lots of doubts, as I do with everything else, and this made me stress, as I do a lot. But God provided affirmation through the words and extremely generous gifts of others, and so I went. And I can't really, truly explain how happy and fulfilled I am that I did go. Well, I promised a few of you a very detailed account, so I should probably stop ranting and get on with it ;)

We left Tampa on Friday (12/12) afternoon-ish and embarked on our eight-plus hour flight to Dublin, Ireland. We arrived in Dublin at about 8 AM the next morning (which really messes with your head) and drove about two hours north to what is Northern Ireland, not referring to the northernmost region of Ireland, but actually to the independent country of Northern Ireland.

We stayed at the Murlough House in Dundrum for the whole trip, but did a lot of ministry in Newcastle. The Murlough House is used primarily for ministry through Project Evangelism, which is headed up by the smallest man with the largest heart, John Moxen. (If you want more info on Project Evangelism, go to www.projectmh.org).

Saturday, we mostly had orientation and got settled in and rested from traveling. We got to spend some time exploring the beautiful Northern Irish beach that was literally a 3-minute walk away from the Murlough House. It was gorgeous. The ocean, mountains, and cold weather all mixed into one scene. Oh, and seals. My dream :)

Sunday, our group got split into two - half the group led a church service at one of the local Methodist churches and the other half was further split onto several other groups which attended other churches in the area - other Methodist churches, an Elim (Pentecostal-style) church, a Brethren church where the girls had to go with covered heads, a Presbyterian church, and a Baptist church, which I went to. It was great! Later that night, our entire group went back to the Baptist church for the evening service and got to listen to a great message.

Monday through Friday was pretty much all the same. The group was split up again into three for the afternoon session and then into two for the evening session. My group went to an after-school drop-in center called Kairos (which means "perfect or opportune timing") and worked there for both the afternoon and evening sessions. Now, when I say "work", I actually mean hang out with awesome Irish kids. I took them sometime to warm up to us, but by the end of the week they were in tears about our leaving... as were we.

We did everything with these kids. We played "Never Have I Ever", UNO, pool, ping-pong, foosball, & interseting-fact scavenger hunt; went on trips to the Around-A-Pound (the Northern Irish equivalent to the Dollar Store); made cookies & other snakcs; had a Christmas Party; did a White Elephant exchange; sang carols; gave our testimonies; and just talked and prayed with them when they asked us to. When we first met these kids, they were so closed off. To be honest, I thought we'd never have any sort of impact on them. But, through the grace of God and Him using us to just relate to them and show them that it is possible to have a real relationship with God AND have fun, we did make an impact. The moment I will carry in my heart forever is when one of the girls and I were talking in the Prayer Room, and she told me that I was the first American she will ever truly miss. It was incredible, and I will never forget her. It was so cool to see how each person on our team connected with one of the kids in some way. It was completely God-ordained.

Friday night (12/19) we got to go out with a ministry called Night Life, which sets up a trailer outside of a hot nightclub from 12-3 AM and offers tea, coffee, and hot chocolate to those just leaving the clubs. A lot of these people were completely wasted, but they took what they had to offer! And they were super friendly... and hilarious. It was cool just to go around and talk to people and see how serving them in the smallest of ways could make a huge impact. Oh, and it was FREEZING cold outside.

The next day was our day out. We got up early and went shopping in Belfast, one of the largest cities in Northern Ireland. It was amazing, but by far the coldest, rainiest day so far. After shopping, we pretty much drove the parameter of Northern Ireland, stopping at the most breathtaking site I have ever experienced: Giant's Causeway. Words cannot describe, so you'll have to see the pictures in my album :)

Sunday, we again dispersed ourselves throughout the community and attended the local churches. My group got to go to the Methodist church that the other group led the service at the previous Sunday. The church was so quaint and all the members were very hospitable. After church and lunch, we got to visit two castles in the nearby area (Northern Ireland is know for its castles). The first was in Dundrum, and it was super old and just the remains were left, but it was my favorite. I felt like I was playing in a big person's playground :) The second castle was in Castlewellan. It was much larger, much more intact, and people actually lived in it. It was beautiful.

Sunday night was the big, climactic end to our amazing stay in Northern Ireland. The majority of our team had been preparing all week to do individual performances (whether musical, dance, or drama) to perform at the Oasis Coffeeshop. Half the team had spent the entire week handing out flyers for this "wee concert turned grand" and this was the night were the magic would happen. It was PHENOMENAL. I had no idea there was that much talent on our team. There were people singing, playing piano, guitar, violin, ukulele, doing choreographed dances and funny skits, and then a big chunk of the team performed a skit to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. It was so powerful. When I get a hold of a video of it, I'll be sure to post it. It was amazing. Then we gave the mic over to some impromptu performances by our local friends, and we got everything from a guy with impressive guitar skills to a hilarious German rendition of Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" to a tear-jerking solo by one of the girls at the other drop-in center. It was so eclectic. After all the "set" performances, we put the iPod on shuffle and had a dance party. We just let loose and had fun. Our Irish friends joined and, as I look back, that could easily be one of the funnest nights of my life.

The next morning we were out by 6 AM (yeah, ouch... considering I had about an hour of sleep the night before) and made our way to the airport for our 10 AM flight back home. (p.s. I kinda hate U.S. customs).

Sitting here reminiscing about one of the best trips of my life is kind of depressing, actually. I know it's over, but the people I encountered in Northern Ireland - the kids, the Kairos leaders, the Murlough staff, and my own American team members - will forever be in my heart. This trip was so entirely different than the missions trips I've been on in the past. These people are generally well-off financially. They're not starving, they have a roof over their head - but in that sense it's harder convince them that they need something else. That they need Christ. But this is real evangelism, people. Not only speaking truth, but exemplifying truth. We put so much effort into making sure these kids had a good time this week. In return, we earned their respect and they heard what we had to say. We spoke truth, but were also relational. The two notions can coexist.

All in all, this trip was life-changing, for myself, and hopefully for the people we encountered in Norther Ireland. A BIG thank you goes out to all the people who supported us financially, and of course, through prayer. Your prayers meant the world and more. As a follow-up prayer request, please pray that we may find the finances or means to send a bunch of teen-friendly magazine Bibles (called Revolve for girls and Refuel for guys) over to the kids at the drop-in centers. We think these would be great for them.

And I have SO MANY amazing pictures that you should check out:

http://picasaweb.google.com/jlvaldes89/NorthernIreland?authkey=2MOimb4DicA&feat=directlink

Love you all!

Listen, seriously... take your time.
There's no rush for you to come around.
People keep asking me where you are; if you exist.
I tell them I don't know; you don't, I suppose.
It gets to me for a second,
But then I realize that I don't want to end up a tragedy.
I'd rather wait for a while.
Be me.
Be dependent only on my God,
Not you. Not yet.
It's not time.
So, please... just hold off for now.
I want it to be right.
I don't want to be the one singing this song:

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around.

...Because I am a princess, and this can be a fairy tale.
There will be one to sweep my off my feet,
And lead me up the stairwell.
I know this isn't Hollywood,
It really is a small town.
And I'm still a dreamer,
I won't let anyone let me down.
So please, wait a while for you and your white horse to come around.

I will forever and ever be a chronic procrastinator.
There is no cure.
No willpower
I am convinced.

The skies, they are yours.
The pink, the purple, the blue, the gray.
All reflections of you.
The earth, it is yours.
The textures, the altitudes, the depths, the fruit.
All reflections of you.
The waters, they are yours.
The mystery, the medium, the power, the stillness.
All reflections of you.
The fire, it is yours.
The passion, the fury, the way it consumes.
All reflections of you.
The creatures, they are yours.
The types, the patterns, the colors, the purposes.
All reflections of you.
I… I am yours.
My mind, my body, my soul, my creativity, my desires, my love.
All reflections of you.

Now, as you have made,
So will I.
In all my futility.
In all my limitations,
In my inability to see beyond the fog,
I will create.
For this is your will.
That your people would not succumb to what is normal,
To what is set.
But that we would use our hands,
Our thoughts,
Our hearts,
To create something beautiful,
As an offering.
For you.

I see you sometimes, you know?
Here and There.
I can feel you, sometimes.
My heart beats at the thought of your eyes.
Blue, green, brown?
Will they penetrate my soul?
Will they get who I really am?
Or simply see right through me,
Missing the whole point,
Like the last...
Nodding his way through it all,
Lying his way through life,
Kidding himself, always.
But no, this time will be different.
I swear it.
I owe you that much.
And your smile?
Will it be bright?
Will it carry me through the bad?
How about the good?
I need your joy. I need it.
Oh, that smile.
Will it be like the last?
Using that smile to pretend,
To hide it all,
To generate false joy,
Tricking me,
Making me believe I was happy.
I wasn't happy.
I want to be happy.
But no, not you.
I swear it.
You'll be different, you see.
You must be.
I saw you last week, you know?
At the supermarket.
Those eyes, that smile.
So promising.
You saw me, too.
I saw you two weeks ago, you see.
Downtown.
That talent, that connection.
A one-way connection.
You missed me, as you do most times.
I see you every night, truly.
Though the fog is thick,
And I'm scared to venture out,
You're there.
You will be there.
One day, it will all become clear.

I saw you from across the room,
But you could barely lift your head.
I wanted your attention for myself,
You chose the floor instead.

I wish you’d let me see your heart,
So I could steal all that’s inside.
All I want is to be with you, like you…
I want to say I tried.

But you don’t even know me,
You can hardly see,
All I have to offer you,
All that we could be.

But you don’t even see me,
Yes, you hardly know,
So pretending that you own my heart
Is as far as it’ll go.

I try to catch that wandering mind,
That races day and night.
To capture that heart that never sits still,
And have you not put up a fight.

I wish I could keep you in my jar
Without your light fading away
But once I have you in my grasp
Things will never be the same.

Yeah you don’t even know me,
You can hardly see,
All I have to offer you,
All that we could be.

You don’t even see me,
Yes, you hardly know,
So pretending that you own my heart
Is as far as it’ll go.

So I’ll do what I’ve always done,
Pray for love returned
But you’ll do what you’ve always done
So I’ve come to learn.

So I’ll do what I’ve always done,
Pray for love returned
But you’ll do what you’ve always done
So I’ve come to learn.

Because you don’t even know me,
You can hardly see,
All I have to offer you,
All that we could be.

No, you don’t even see me,
You will never know,
So pretending that you own my heart
Is as far as it’ll ever go.

(Jessica Valdes)