In This World, Not of It.

Listen, seriously... take your time.
There's no rush for you to come around.
People keep asking me where you are; if you exist.
I tell them I don't know; you don't, I suppose.
It gets to me for a second,
But then I realize that I don't want to end up a tragedy.
I'd rather wait for a while.
Be me.
Be dependent only on my God,
Not you. Not yet.
It's not time.
So, please... just hold off for now.
I want it to be right.
I don't want to be the one singing this song:

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around.

...Because I am a princess, and this can be a fairy tale.
There will be one to sweep my off my feet,
And lead me up the stairwell.
I know this isn't Hollywood,
It really is a small town.
And I'm still a dreamer,
I won't let anyone let me down.
So please, wait a while for you and your white horse to come around.

I will forever and ever be a chronic procrastinator.
There is no cure.
No willpower
I am convinced.

The skies, they are yours.
The pink, the purple, the blue, the gray.
All reflections of you.
The earth, it is yours.
The textures, the altitudes, the depths, the fruit.
All reflections of you.
The waters, they are yours.
The mystery, the medium, the power, the stillness.
All reflections of you.
The fire, it is yours.
The passion, the fury, the way it consumes.
All reflections of you.
The creatures, they are yours.
The types, the patterns, the colors, the purposes.
All reflections of you.
I… I am yours.
My mind, my body, my soul, my creativity, my desires, my love.
All reflections of you.

Now, as you have made,
So will I.
In all my futility.
In all my limitations,
In my inability to see beyond the fog,
I will create.
For this is your will.
That your people would not succumb to what is normal,
To what is set.
But that we would use our hands,
Our thoughts,
Our hearts,
To create something beautiful,
As an offering.
For you.

I see you sometimes, you know?
Here and There.
I can feel you, sometimes.
My heart beats at the thought of your eyes.
Blue, green, brown?
Will they penetrate my soul?
Will they get who I really am?
Or simply see right through me,
Missing the whole point,
Like the last...
Nodding his way through it all,
Lying his way through life,
Kidding himself, always.
But no, this time will be different.
I swear it.
I owe you that much.
And your smile?
Will it be bright?
Will it carry me through the bad?
How about the good?
I need your joy. I need it.
Oh, that smile.
Will it be like the last?
Using that smile to pretend,
To hide it all,
To generate false joy,
Tricking me,
Making me believe I was happy.
I wasn't happy.
I want to be happy.
But no, not you.
I swear it.
You'll be different, you see.
You must be.
I saw you last week, you know?
At the supermarket.
Those eyes, that smile.
So promising.
You saw me, too.
I saw you two weeks ago, you see.
Downtown.
That talent, that connection.
A one-way connection.
You missed me, as you do most times.
I see you every night, truly.
Though the fog is thick,
And I'm scared to venture out,
You're there.
You will be there.
One day, it will all become clear.

I saw you from across the room,
But you could barely lift your head.
I wanted your attention for myself,
You chose the floor instead.

I wish you’d let me see your heart,
So I could steal all that’s inside.
All I want is to be with you, like you…
I want to say I tried.

But you don’t even know me,
You can hardly see,
All I have to offer you,
All that we could be.

But you don’t even see me,
Yes, you hardly know,
So pretending that you own my heart
Is as far as it’ll go.

I try to catch that wandering mind,
That races day and night.
To capture that heart that never sits still,
And have you not put up a fight.

I wish I could keep you in my jar
Without your light fading away
But once I have you in my grasp
Things will never be the same.

Yeah you don’t even know me,
You can hardly see,
All I have to offer you,
All that we could be.

You don’t even see me,
Yes, you hardly know,
So pretending that you own my heart
Is as far as it’ll go.

So I’ll do what I’ve always done,
Pray for love returned
But you’ll do what you’ve always done
So I’ve come to learn.

So I’ll do what I’ve always done,
Pray for love returned
But you’ll do what you’ve always done
So I’ve come to learn.

Because you don’t even know me,
You can hardly see,
All I have to offer you,
All that we could be.

No, you don’t even see me,
You will never know,
So pretending that you own my heart
Is as far as it’ll ever go.

(Jessica Valdes)

I left no room for expectations.
High hopes are always brought down.
I sat soaking in my limitations,
Til I saw you apart from the crowd.

You took the humble stage,
Clenched that oh-so-lucky mic,
I heard that passion in your voice,
Boy, you shined to bright...

And now,
Oh now you sing your song,
That song that makes every dream seem possible,
Every hope within my reach.

But now,
Oh now you end your song,
That song that made my world stop spinning,
But now your drifting back into that crowd...
I feel the emptiness now...

You're gone, you're gone,
But really you're still here.
My eyes plea to heaven,
And it all becomes so clear.

It's you that I want,
You're the type that I need.
Whether it will be you or not
Your impression still haunts... me.

And now,
Oh now I sing your song,
That song that I have stored in my heart,
The heart that beats for one like you.

But now,
Still now no one sings back to me,
I thought I could find another,
A sweet sweet boy like you.
To be mine.
But none I find.

I said hello, you said goodbye.
Said, "Be there Wednesday?"
I said I'd try.
You're too much,
I'm not enough.
But could you be my template?
Please be my template.
The next boy will have to try,
Oh how he'll have to try,
To be just like you...
My song of the night.

And now,
Will someone sing his song?
I ache to sing along.
And play pretend til it's you.

But now,
No one dares to sing his song,
That wall is so so strong,
The only one who can tear it down is you,
My sweet, swift song of the night.

(Jessica Valdes)

I remember the first means of Internet communication which my parents allowed me to have:
my very own Xanga (another online blog site). I would so artistically jot down all my sophomore-year wisdom in the hopes that people would read my words and just love me. But then, I sadly abandoned my poor Xanga and jumped on the MySpace bandwagon. After that, the Facebook community, when I decided I needed something more sophisticated, of course.

Let me be the first to say: MySpace and Facebook have dumbed-me down.
Don't get me wrong now - they are great for staying in touch and being "in the know"... but I don't write [voluntarily] anymore. Sure, I write on people's walls. I write picture comments. I contribute to the world with my LOLs and "bahahahaha" and "btw!"

What happened to me?

So this is my attempt at redemption.
My attempt to get to know myself through words again.
I don't think I know anyone with a blog anymore...
so I'm not trying to appease you.

I just want to write.