In This World, Not of It.

Lord, Thank you for your word found in Zephaniah 3:

¹ Woe to the city of oppressors,
       rebellious and defiled!
 ² She obeys no one,
       she accepts no correction.
       She does not trust in the LORD,
       she does not draw near to her God.
 ³ Her officials are roaring lions,
       her rulers are evening wolves,
       who leave nothing for the morning.
 ⁴ Her prophets are arrogant;
       they are treacherous men.
       Her priests profane the sanctuary
       and do violence to the law.
 ⁵ The LORD within her is righteous;
       he does no wrong.
       Morning by morning he dispenses his justice,
       and every new day he does not fail,
       yet the unrighteous know no shame.
 ⁶ "I have cut off nations;
       their strongholds are demolished.
       I have left their streets deserted,
       with no one passing through.
       Their cities are destroyed;
       no one will be left—no one at all.
 ⁷ I said to the city,
       'Surely you will fear me
       and accept correction!'
       Then her dwelling would not be cut off,
       nor all my punishments come upon her.
       But they were still eager
       to act corruptly in all they did.
 ⁸ Therefore wait for me," declares the LORD,
       "for the day I will stand up to testify.
       I have decided to assemble the nations,
       to gather the kingdoms
       and to pour out my wrath on them—
       all my fierce anger.
       The whole world will be consumed
       by the fire of my jealous anger.
 ⁹ "Then will I purify the lips of the peoples,
       that all of them may call on the name of the LORD
       and serve him shoulder to shoulder.
 ¹⁰ From beyond the rivers of Cush
       my worshipers, my scattered people,
       will bring me offerings.
 ¹¹ On that day you will not be put to shame
       for all the wrongs you have done to me,
       because I will remove from this city
       those who rejoice in their pride.
       Never again will you be haughty
       on my holy hill.
 ¹² But I will leave within you
       the meek and humble,
       who trust in the name of the LORD.
 ¹³ The remnant of Israel will do no wrong;
       they will speak no lies,
       nor will deceit be found in their mouths.
       They will eat and lie down
       and no one will make them afraid."
 ¹⁴ Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
       shout aloud, O Israel!
       Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
       O Daughter of Jerusalem!
 ¹⁵ The LORD has taken away your punishment,
       he has turned back your enemy. 
       The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
       never again will you fear any harm.
 ¹⁶ On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
       "Do not fear, O Zion;
       do not let your hands hang limp.
 ¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing."
 ¹⁸ "The sorrows for the appointed feasts
       I will remove from you;
       they are a burden and a reproach to you.
 ¹⁹ At that time I will deal
       with all who oppressed you;
       I will rescue the lame
       and gather those who have been scattered.
       I will give them praise and honor
       in every land where they were put to shame.
 ²⁰ At that time I will gather you;
       at that time I will bring you home.
       I will give you honor and praise
       among all the peoples of the earth
       when I restore your fortunes
       before your very eyes,"
       says the LORD.


-------------------------------------------------------------


Thank you, Lord, for giving us a home, sheltered from sin. Thank you for your promise in verses 9 and 17. May I be one of those considered meek and humble in verse 12 God... and if I am not, make me that way. Guide me, God... in all that is approaching, Lord. I TRUST you.

Amen.

Hebrews 6:10.

It's everywhere God... and I don't even have to ask if this is You trying to tell me something... because I know it is. You know me... You have seen me... You have heard the cries of my heart. You were there, all along, as I immersed myself in The Face of God, and with it, immersed myself in fear, insecurity, and condemnation... even though that was not the book's point nor the author's purpose.

But I did.
Because I always do.
Always.


I didn't even search Your word. It fell on my lap. Hebrews 6. I have seen it at least 4-5 times since my initial reading last night... all in different circumstances, through different people or means.

You are faithful.


And you have seen my faithfulness. You know my heart. You know I live to please You, to serve You, to love You. Your very own word says it best:

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. (Hebrews 6:10).

But there is so much more.
So, so, so much more.


So much more for me to learn, to know, to feel, to love, to see, to hear, to experience, to touch, to meet, to speak, to teach, to live...

God, I'm sick... absolutely sick of living life on the sidelines.

It's crazy, huh... how I could be the world traveler that I am... independent scholar that I am... the "life liver" that I am... and still feel like I'm living on the sidelines. Absolutely insane. I guess that just goes to show that it's all about attitude.

But I'm ready to be put in the game, Lord. I'm ready to be healed by your all-encompassing, all-enveloping, all-consuming love. I don't care what it takes. I will prove to be obedient, God.

I will obey You out of love for You.
I will love others because of my love for You.

Make Your love my foundation for being... for existing... for serving.

Many are my faults and sins. I have let my life be chained by fear, retrained by comforts. I have avoided God, the Creator of the Universe, the Savior of the world, the Savior of my very soul. How dare I? How could I? I've spent the past three days pouring my mind, times, and energy into reading The Face of God by Bill Myers... a piece of Christian fiction that will... yeah, mess you up. I'd read it before when I was younger... but it carries so much more meaning now. This book has brought fear and questioning into my life these past few days. I have wrestled with the characteristics of God... there are so many. His justice, His mercy, His love, His will. Even more so, I have wrestled with who I am in light of God. This is not a new issue... this is something that has been buried deep with in my soul forever. Who am I? What am I made for? 

Regardless, as I have been reading this book... I've been putting off reading the Word, praying (which... I hardly ever pray anymore... it's pathetic... but I will address this issue in a moment), connecting with God. Can you imagine though... God still finds a way to connect with me. This doesn't surprise me in the sense that I don't believe He can do it... God can do anything! It surprises me more in this sense: Why? Why me? I am so undeserving. Yes, we all are... but I feel as if I am, especially. I am beginning to wonder, do I use this "undeserving" bit as an excuse, as self pity?... or do I legitimately feel this way? I predict the former. 


The point of this rant: God has shown me my sin. I have always identified this as a fault in my life, and yes as a sin. But now it is confirmed through His word in Hebrews 6:

• 
  
  Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And God permitting, we will do so. 
• 
  
  
  
  It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. 
  
  
  Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned. 
• 
  
  
  
  Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

This blog is called "In This World, Not of It" and my blogger name is jessicalynnlovesjesus, but to be honest, my life isn't reflecting either of those claims right now. So I'm on a quest... a quest to know God more and to love Him more. Why here? Well, no one reads this thing. And, I just want a place that's my own to write out my thoughts that's not a word document or a journal. So from now on, no more sappy love songs or meaningless rants. From now on, this blog is for you, Lord.

I despise my own behavior.

[I am a walking contradiction.]

I am so in need of a savior.

All to be felt should be felt from the heart.
The Origin.
A Supposition.
The gut... groaning.
The union of rawness with the dry earth beneath my knees.
Where the pink of heaven meets the green of land.
No fog.
No time for fog.
No room for fog.
Tender nerves tingle with expectation,
Or cut,
Leading to the slow arrival of resignation.
Either way, it's felt.

All to be felt should be felt from the heart.
But I can't.
Or I won't.
Doesn't matter which.
Either way, the fog seeps through my inviting pores.
The fog turns into oil.
Feed the machine.
Polish the machine.
The gears in the left hemisphere are making peace with those on the right.

I can't be pregnant of the mind.
My pituitary cannot act as placenta.
My medulla cannot act as an umbilical cord.
That type of housing is not fit for the child.

It's all that makes sense.
For now, I will continue to birth nothingness.

For those of you who don't know, this Monday I just got back from my missions trip to Northern Ireland. It still feels so weird saying that. Myself and a group of twenty-six others had spent an entire semester preparing for this trip, and suddenly it's become a memory. Well, that's how life goes, I guess. For those of you who know me really well, you know that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go on this trip. I had lots of doubts, as I do with everything else, and this made me stress, as I do a lot. But God provided affirmation through the words and extremely generous gifts of others, and so I went. And I can't really, truly explain how happy and fulfilled I am that I did go. Well, I promised a few of you a very detailed account, so I should probably stop ranting and get on with it ;)

We left Tampa on Friday (12/12) afternoon-ish and embarked on our eight-plus hour flight to Dublin, Ireland. We arrived in Dublin at about 8 AM the next morning (which really messes with your head) and drove about two hours north to what is Northern Ireland, not referring to the northernmost region of Ireland, but actually to the independent country of Northern Ireland.

We stayed at the Murlough House in Dundrum for the whole trip, but did a lot of ministry in Newcastle. The Murlough House is used primarily for ministry through Project Evangelism, which is headed up by the smallest man with the largest heart, John Moxen. (If you want more info on Project Evangelism, go to www.projectmh.org).

Saturday, we mostly had orientation and got settled in and rested from traveling. We got to spend some time exploring the beautiful Northern Irish beach that was literally a 3-minute walk away from the Murlough House. It was gorgeous. The ocean, mountains, and cold weather all mixed into one scene. Oh, and seals. My dream :)

Sunday, our group got split into two - half the group led a church service at one of the local Methodist churches and the other half was further split onto several other groups which attended other churches in the area - other Methodist churches, an Elim (Pentecostal-style) church, a Brethren church where the girls had to go with covered heads, a Presbyterian church, and a Baptist church, which I went to. It was great! Later that night, our entire group went back to the Baptist church for the evening service and got to listen to a great message.

Monday through Friday was pretty much all the same. The group was split up again into three for the afternoon session and then into two for the evening session. My group went to an after-school drop-in center called Kairos (which means "perfect or opportune timing") and worked there for both the afternoon and evening sessions. Now, when I say "work", I actually mean hang out with awesome Irish kids. I took them sometime to warm up to us, but by the end of the week they were in tears about our leaving... as were we.

We did everything with these kids. We played "Never Have I Ever", UNO, pool, ping-pong, foosball, & interseting-fact scavenger hunt; went on trips to the Around-A-Pound (the Northern Irish equivalent to the Dollar Store); made cookies & other snakcs; had a Christmas Party; did a White Elephant exchange; sang carols; gave our testimonies; and just talked and prayed with them when they asked us to. When we first met these kids, they were so closed off. To be honest, I thought we'd never have any sort of impact on them. But, through the grace of God and Him using us to just relate to them and show them that it is possible to have a real relationship with God AND have fun, we did make an impact. The moment I will carry in my heart forever is when one of the girls and I were talking in the Prayer Room, and she told me that I was the first American she will ever truly miss. It was incredible, and I will never forget her. It was so cool to see how each person on our team connected with one of the kids in some way. It was completely God-ordained.

Friday night (12/19) we got to go out with a ministry called Night Life, which sets up a trailer outside of a hot nightclub from 12-3 AM and offers tea, coffee, and hot chocolate to those just leaving the clubs. A lot of these people were completely wasted, but they took what they had to offer! And they were super friendly... and hilarious. It was cool just to go around and talk to people and see how serving them in the smallest of ways could make a huge impact. Oh, and it was FREEZING cold outside.

The next day was our day out. We got up early and went shopping in Belfast, one of the largest cities in Northern Ireland. It was amazing, but by far the coldest, rainiest day so far. After shopping, we pretty much drove the parameter of Northern Ireland, stopping at the most breathtaking site I have ever experienced: Giant's Causeway. Words cannot describe, so you'll have to see the pictures in my album :)

Sunday, we again dispersed ourselves throughout the community and attended the local churches. My group got to go to the Methodist church that the other group led the service at the previous Sunday. The church was so quaint and all the members were very hospitable. After church and lunch, we got to visit two castles in the nearby area (Northern Ireland is know for its castles). The first was in Dundrum, and it was super old and just the remains were left, but it was my favorite. I felt like I was playing in a big person's playground :) The second castle was in Castlewellan. It was much larger, much more intact, and people actually lived in it. It was beautiful.

Sunday night was the big, climactic end to our amazing stay in Northern Ireland. The majority of our team had been preparing all week to do individual performances (whether musical, dance, or drama) to perform at the Oasis Coffeeshop. Half the team had spent the entire week handing out flyers for this "wee concert turned grand" and this was the night were the magic would happen. It was PHENOMENAL. I had no idea there was that much talent on our team. There were people singing, playing piano, guitar, violin, ukulele, doing choreographed dances and funny skits, and then a big chunk of the team performed a skit to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. It was so powerful. When I get a hold of a video of it, I'll be sure to post it. It was amazing. Then we gave the mic over to some impromptu performances by our local friends, and we got everything from a guy with impressive guitar skills to a hilarious German rendition of Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" to a tear-jerking solo by one of the girls at the other drop-in center. It was so eclectic. After all the "set" performances, we put the iPod on shuffle and had a dance party. We just let loose and had fun. Our Irish friends joined and, as I look back, that could easily be one of the funnest nights of my life.

The next morning we were out by 6 AM (yeah, ouch... considering I had about an hour of sleep the night before) and made our way to the airport for our 10 AM flight back home. (p.s. I kinda hate U.S. customs).

Sitting here reminiscing about one of the best trips of my life is kind of depressing, actually. I know it's over, but the people I encountered in Northern Ireland - the kids, the Kairos leaders, the Murlough staff, and my own American team members - will forever be in my heart. This trip was so entirely different than the missions trips I've been on in the past. These people are generally well-off financially. They're not starving, they have a roof over their head - but in that sense it's harder convince them that they need something else. That they need Christ. But this is real evangelism, people. Not only speaking truth, but exemplifying truth. We put so much effort into making sure these kids had a good time this week. In return, we earned their respect and they heard what we had to say. We spoke truth, but were also relational. The two notions can coexist.

All in all, this trip was life-changing, for myself, and hopefully for the people we encountered in Norther Ireland. A BIG thank you goes out to all the people who supported us financially, and of course, through prayer. Your prayers meant the world and more. As a follow-up prayer request, please pray that we may find the finances or means to send a bunch of teen-friendly magazine Bibles (called Revolve for girls and Refuel for guys) over to the kids at the drop-in centers. We think these would be great for them.

And I have SO MANY amazing pictures that you should check out:

http://picasaweb.google.com/jlvaldes89/NorthernIreland?authkey=2MOimb4DicA&feat=directlink

Love you all!